The Derby Dead Pool

The online competition to guess which famous people won't make it to the end of the current year. If they're elderly, ill, or just live a high-risk lifestyle, stick 'em in your team, and for each one whose death you correctly predict, you'll score points. DDP was dreamt up in Derby, England (hence the name...) by Big Iain back in 1996, then was run from 2003 to 2007 by Siegfried Baboon and Rude Kid From 2008 to 2009, it was run by Octopus of Odstock , and from 2010 to 2017 by The Man In Black. From 2018, Spade Cooley is host...

Latest Stiffs: 23rd April 2018 by Spade Cooley

[Picture of R Lee Ermey, Verne Troyer and Dale Winton]

Only two things come from Marylebone, and I don’t see any horns on Dale...

2 foot 8? i didn’t know they stacked corpses that deep!

The guest list for Avicii’s headline set at the Pearly Gates (no trainers, no gang colours) is filling up at lightning speed. Let’s see who’ll be popping that molly as the Swedish turps-nudger spins the tunes.

Was there a more 1990s pop cultural figure in Britain than Dale Winton? Not only did he have a guest role as himself in “Trainspotting”, but he also appeared in a Sleeper video. If he’d have been behind the Arndale Centre bombing he’d have hit the trifecta of Major/Blair handover era nostalgia. It’s “Supermarket Sweep”, the student-pleasing inane gameshow where he rocked a pink suit 15 years before Pitbull, that he’ll be remembered for, though. Away from the inflatable bananas and trivia questions about sild he lived a troubled life, discovering his mother dead from a suicide when he was just 13, and we await an autopsy report to see if he’ll qualify for an unnatural death bonus at 62. As it stands, Apricot Crumble check out a unique hit.

What is your major malfunction R Lee Ermey? Pneumonia? Well if God wanted you up there I’m sure he’d have miracled your ass up there by now. Ah, he has. Few actors rammed as many quotable lines into as short a screentime as Ermey did in “Full Metal Jacket”. It’s impossible to picture a drill sergeant in your head without immediately going to his portrayal of Gunnery Sgt. Hartmann. Away from Kubrick’s Vietnam masterpiece he played a shouty sergeant in “Toy Story”, a shouty sergeant in “Family Guy”, a shouty sergeant in “X-Men: The Last Stand”, a shouty sergeant in “The Angry Beavers”, a shouty sergeant in… you get the picture. He wasn’t afraid of being stereotyped was Our R. And theme team Lt. Colonel Kilgore's Ultimate Surf Party can come round and fuck his sister now with their unique hit after his death at 74.

Being 2ft 8in and raised in the Amish community, dignity was always going to be a struggle for Verne Troyer. But goddamn he strived for it, and you have to feel some compassion for the man. Following generic short man bit-parts in films like “Men In Black” and “Fear and Loathing In Las Vegas”, he was chosen by Mike Myers to play Mini-Me in “Austin Powers: The Spy Who Shagged Me” and became an overnight star. A career away from that character was always going to be a big ask: too short for Hamlet, too tiny for Lear. He did the Celebrity Big Brother thing (being stuck in a house with Terry Christian and Tina Malone for two months), the sex tape thing, the pretending to tolerate Keith Lemon thing… it’s really only a surprise he didn’t drink himself to death sooner. Squid's Stiffs get the shorts in to celebrate his unique passing at 49.

bush whacked

Nobody else in history has got to see both their husband and son named US president, and what a pair of commanders-in-chief they were: the one who threw up on a Japanese fellow and the “now watch this drive” cokehead. Barbara Bush married the only man she ever kissed, George Herbert Walker Bush, when she was just 20, immediately leaving college to focus on become an industrial and political matriarch. During her 12 years in the White House she never drove or cooked once, and in 1990 she got a nine-year head start on everyone else by calling “The Simpsons” “the dumbest thing I have ever seen”. Maybe she got sent a screener of the tomacco episode? Anyway, BB is gunned down aged 92 and 22 teams score.

A three-hour long call-in show that broadcasts at 1am and deals with alien visitation, cryptozoology and 9/11 conspiracy theories? How could it possibly lead to anything dodgy! Art Bell set up “Coast to Coast AM” back in 1984 and hosted it, with various breaks for temporary retirement, up until 2010. The combination of pre-milennial tension and the birth of the internet gave him a global profile in the mid 1990s, which he mainly used to interview white supremacists or people who claimed to be time travellers from 2049. He can now tell us what lies in the great beyond, and Phantom's Pick 'n' Mix get a unique hit from his death aged 72.

Vittorio Taviani was the elder of the two Taviani brothers, a pair of Italian directors and screenwriters behind more than 20 movies that have taken the country’s political temperature over the past 60 years, from dealing with the aftermath of fascism (“San Miniato, luglio '44”) to the so-called “years of lead” (“The Subversives”) through to the modern fight against the Camorra and state corruption (“Caesar Must Die”). He called cut on his life aged 88 and is a unique hit for Spirited Away.

A talented harmonica player, who played alongside Duke Ellington among others, Ronald Chesney put the reeds down in the 1950s and started a comedy writing duo with Ronald Wolfe. Known in the industry as “The Other Two Ronnies”, the pair produced a number of sitcoms that were audience pleasers during their day but haven’t exactly stood the test of time - most notably Bank Holiday Monday ITV 4 schedule filler “On The Buses”. Chezza can renew his partnership with Wolfe, who died in 2011, now, having passed away aged 98. ...and Its Goodnight From Him get the unique.

good night, old sport

Want to know how old Nabi Tajima was? She was born before the invention of the hamburger bun. She was born while Friedrich Nietzsche was still alive. She was born when the southernmost team in the English top flight were West Bromwich Albion. She was old. The third oldest person in history, to be precise, and both the oldest person to live in the 21st century and the last living person born in the 19th. Her death at 117 brings a small smattering of points to 16 teams, and she hands her title over to fellow countrywoman Chiyo Miyako.

Why does the 117-year-old Tajima get more coverage than the 121-year-oldCelino Villanueva Jaramillo? Because Jaramillo was an obvious bullshitter lying about his age, perhaps in an attempt to make Chile famous for something other than helicopter assassinations and underperforming Manchester United midfielders. Due to a “house fire”, there are no records indicating Jaramillo lived at any point before the age of “99”, when he moved in with his longtime partner, who is 31 years younger. Hmmm. Still, he is dead and Lidders Late Lamentables get the unique hit.

Outside the greyhairs, a couple of sportsmen to round off this bumper necrolog.

Before the Abrahmovich billions allowed Chelsea to sign the likes of Papy Djilobodji and Asier del Horno, there was Roy Bentley. An out-and-out striker in the traditional English mould, he finished as top scorer in seven of his eight seasons at Stamford Bridge. He also captained the club to their first ever league title in the 1954/55 season, ensuring he had a healthy retirement career in carrying replica trophies onto the pitch and waving at a new generation of fans who weren’t sure who he was. He was also the last surviving member of England’s 1950 World Cup squad, and played in the notorious 1-0 defeat to the United States in that tournament. He was 93 and a hit for three teams.

Speedway used to be a very popular sport. Now it isn’t. When it was popular Ivan Mauger was its biggest name. I had never heard of him until he was selected in this year’s DDP. He is now dead at 78 and You Ain't Seen Me, Right? get a unique hit. Vroom vroom.

Latest Stiffs: 14th April 2018 by Spade Cooley

A 60 checkout proves no problem for Eric...

ahhhhhhhhh, bristow!

John Lowe may have been the first great of the professional era. Mr Philip Douglas Taylor may have enjoyed 15 years of near-totalitarian dominance over the sport. Michael van Gerwen may be the finest player to have ever flung tungsten. But to most people, “The Crafty Cockney” Eric Bristow was darts. The fact that his career was all but over by his early 30s, due to a battle with dartitis, makes his five pre-split World Championships even more impressive. His 1984 7-1 demolition of Dave Whitcombe at Jollees was the kind of darts that would still win majors today. Outside of the sport he was a bigot, a homophobe, a degenerate gambler, a conman with a string of failed businesses, a terrible commentator and a pisshead. But my god he was a fanastic fucking player. He died backstage at the Premier League Darts in Liverpool, and the crowd realising what had transpired and chanting “There’s only one Eric Bristow” will live long in the memory. Kind of ironic that someone who had struggled with dartitis couldn’t score higher than 60. Satan’s Hootenany get a unique hit.

Nelson Mandela’s mad wife herself, Winnie Mandela, has ended up on the bonfire. To some she was a stoic figure of the anti-apartheid battle who was framed by a racist and bigoted white press. The others, she was a fucking nutjob who dressed like a private school art teacher and had a kid killed so nobody would find out one of her friends nonced him. Revolutions, like deadpooling, are a game of opinions. She wasn’t as popular a Deadpool pick as ol’ Madiba, though, and only one team gets the points from her dying of complications related to diabetes aged 81. The necklace is in the post, See You In Hell.

Voiceover artist Chuck McCann could have walked the streets of any city on the planet and not been noticed, but you’d be hard pressed to find anyone with as strong and varied a vocal acting CV. For six decades children were entertained by McCann, who lent his cartoonish tones to works as varied as the “I’m cuckoo for Cocoa Puffs!” adverts, “Ducktales” (where he voiced canine butler Duckworth) and “The Powerpuff Girls” (as all three members of the trio’s gender-flipped enemies The Amoeba Boys). Congestive heart failure saw him drop the mic aged 83, and he’s a hit for two theme teams.

greengrass mowed down

Bit of a personal one for me this: Bill Maynard was in the first dead pool team I ever put together as a youth back in 1999. I think my two hits that year were Alf Ramsey and Quentin Crisp. Weirdly, I wasn’t one of the most popular kids in my year. Maynard, who looked like he was about to drop dead in 1999, somehow made it an extra 19 years. And what a life he lived: standing as an independent anti-Tony Benn candidate in 1984 by-election, marrying Douglas Campbell’s widow, coming fourth in the contest to be the UK’s first ever Eurovision entry, and of course the TV – most notably as the thumbs-aloft hapless titular labourer in “Oh No It’s Selwyn Frogett” and the scheming but ultimately benign Greengrass in Sunday night soporific “Heartbeat”. He finally died aged 89, and nine teams are giving it a Frogett-style “thumbs up” pose to the camera.

“The godmother of American comedy”, Mitzi Shore, has finally corpsed off-stage. After divorcing her first husband, a jobbing stand-up called Sammy, she took control of Los Angeles’ The Comedy Store and changed American comedy forever. She discovered and played vital roles in the career of comics like Jerry Seinfeld, Chevy Chase, Jim Carrey, David Letterman, Chris Rock, Roseanne, Garry Shandling, Sam Kinison and Robin Williams. The latter three will now be able to chase her up for those lost wages – even as of 2018, the wage per set at the Comedy Store is $15 a show. She did have interests outside of comedy: she was Pauly Shore’s mother. Riddled with dementia in recent years, she died aged 87. Three teams make God laugh.

Daniel Akaka, who has died aged 93, was the first Native Hawaiian politician to serve as US senator. In 2006 he was named by Time Magazine as one of the five worst US senators. His death marks the third passing from that list in consecutive years, with Conrad Burns dying in 2016 and Jim Bunning expiring in 2017. If you want to longlist them, the other two remaining names are Wayne Allard and Mark Dayton. The Star Spangled Coffin say “a hui hoi” to a unique hit.

Livia Rev was a Hungarian classical pianist particularly skilled in the works of Chopin who was still working as a music instructor past her 100th birthday. However class was cancelled aged 101 and Dead and Dusted 2 score a rare unique captain hit.

an essay on rios

Even among the blood-crazed free-for-all that typified late 20th century Central American politics, Efrain Rios Montt stood out as a headbanger. Originally supported by – you’ll never guess who – the United States, he seized control of the civil war-torn Guatemala in March 1982. By the time he was forced to step down as president 16 months later, he’d ordered the slaughter of an estimated 30,000 as part of the so-called “beans and guns” policy of killing anyone who refused to pledge military support against Marxist guerrillas. To quote Ronald Reagan: “President Ríos Montt is a man of great personal integrity and commitment”. A number of trials over the past decade aimed at making him pay for crimes against humanity had been delayed or cancelled altogether due to health issues, and he finally died aged 91 after a heart attack. To Kill A Gabor Sister get the unique hit and climb into the top 10.

One of Mexico’s greatest literary minds, Sergio Pitol, has died of kidney issues aged 85. A writer and a diplomat, it is as a translator that he saw his greatest acclaim, recreating the works of authors like Jane Austen and Joseph Conrad into Spanish in a manner that celebrated the original texts and showed a flair for writing in the Latinate. American As Apple Pie get the unique hit.

While we await a QO for Art Bell, let’s pay tribute to another credulous type in Guy Playfair. Guy joined the Society for Psychical Research in 1973 and in 1992 was the “psychic consultant” for notorious Halloween night windup “Ghostwatch”. However, he’s most famous for his enthusiastic backing given to claims of Uri Geller and the Enfield Poltergeist. Indeed, he wrote the definitive work on the Enfield Poltergeist, “This House Is Haunted”, after being easily conned by a 14-year-old girl talking in a funny voice for 12 months. He has died aged 83 and And Yet You Had Space for Sinead O'Connor can thank him for the unique hit via banging on some pipes.

A close personal friend of Paul Robeson, Gertrude Jeannette was a promising Broadway performer whose career was abruptly ended by the Red Scare. She was the first woman to get a motorcycle license in New York City and regularly rode with biker clubs in the 1940s. After McCarthy ended her acting prospects, she still acted as a mentor to African-American actresses in the New York area. She finally died 103 and was a hit for three teams.

List of the Lost - Latest Entrants

Irma Rapuzzi, Ignatius Peter VIII Abdalahad, Edelgard Huber von Gersdorff

List of the Missed - Latest Entrants

Bruno Sammartino, Avicii

Player of the Month - March

Heef's Politics XX - 25 points

Latest News

Kim Jong Un and Moon Jae-in squash the beef at Panmunjom ... Bill Cosby found guilty on three counts of aggrevated indecent sexual assault. Must be stressful, perhaps he can take some pills to help calm him down?...

Further Information

Rules & Scoring

E-mail Spade Cooley with any questions/comments about the DDP: ddp2018@derbydeadpool.co.uk

Links

Derby Dead Pool is hosted by The Man In Black with contributions from Big-Iain, Rude Kid, Siegfried Baboon, Octopus of Odstock, WEP 2.0 - World's Eternity Prophet Reloaded, The Grey Horde, Thomas Jefferson Survives, Bibliogryphon, David Quantick's Showbiz Pals, Dickie's Gone the Way of the Dinosaurs & The End Of The World As We Know It